It’s been a long 4 weeks. My heart wasn’t broken, but I suppose that you have to be in love for that to happen. But the disappointment runs deep. And the anger. I didn’t expect to be this angry.
I had invested five and a half months in this online dating relationship thing. But he was very quick to say that we were not dating and that he just wasn’t ready for the commitment.
There were a few red flag, a few criticisms that weren’t necessary and he often wasn’t there when I needed someone to talk to. But he was always there when the topic of conversation turned to sex. He wanted to see progressively revealing pictures and he reciprocated with a few very revealing pics of his own.
He had much more sexual experience than I did. And he liked to describe the things that we would do together. In theory. It was fun, it was naughty. It was something that I had never done before and I learned that I am quite an amorous person and that I want someone equally amorous.
But he was away for an extended period of time. We talked when we could and when he got back he asked me to come and meet him in Sydney. I was a bit hesitant because it was a big step and a significant financial outlay to simply meet someone. But he was excited and he asked me multiple times to visit. And then he changed.
Maybe it was nerves or maybe his friends talked him out of it, but he became distant and a bit cold. Suddenly his landlord was doing an inspection when I was due to visit. And he couldn’t answer my messages.
So I got to Sydney and I was looking pretty hot, even if I do say so myself. We met at Circular Quay and went and had dinner. There were no sparks. There were a few silences, but for once I held my tongue and let him speak first. He asked me to come and see his work and watch his choir sing. And he started making plans for the following day. We spent three hours together. But then came the end of the night and there was an awkward goodbye. Did he want me to ask him back to my hotel? It didn’t occur to me at the time, but I messaged him when I got home and he made some excuse about having a headache.
The following day, he was busy for most of the day. I saw some sights by myself and was going back to the hotel before he messaged me to arrange an activity that he had suggested the night before. There wasn’t much time and then he insisted on accompanying me to church that night. Again he asked me to see his choir sing and there was a slightly awkward goodbye on the church steps.
Later that night I asked him how he thought things had gone. ‘Fine,’ was his answer before he said that I wasn’t really his type. I didn’t want to clarify that further and just assumed it meant my weight because that I can change. My personality, on the other hand, is something I like about myself.
Was it a waste of a weekend? Maybe. But I kind of had closure. The mixed messages came later, but that is for another blog. I was more disappointed that I had failed in love again. It was another waste of my time and effort. And against my better judgement, I had let him in further than anyone yet. He was great on paper- awesome job, responsible, attractive, good bedroom skills. And our personalities were quite similar. But as is always the story, I wasn’t good enough.
It makes me wonder, will I ever be good enough?