I go through phases in my life when I am genuinely excited to have a man in my life. Maybe it is the excitement of having a potential relationship (that is doomed to fail before it begins) on the cards. Or maybe it is that I’ve taken a step out of the rut that my life has formed. But during these man-appreciating times, the small things don’t really seem to annoy me.
And then reality hits and the rose-coloured glasses are removed. While I was honest and had treated him with respect, these gestures were not reciprocated. It is this time, when I can see the reality of the situation, that I realise how truly shitty men actually are. They flirt with other women. They don’t reply to messages for weeks at a time. They criticise when you give them a small look into your heart.
Sure, maybe you were lucky enough to nab yourself one of those rare, good men but the rest of us are left to wonder why we choose to endure such shitty treatment. The best indication of future behaviour is past behaviour, so why do I pursue a romantic relationship when every experience has taught me that men can be pretty f*#king shitty? I’m serious, can someone tell me why I routinely emotionally torture myself?
When I was 20 years old, I remember complaining to a confidant about being single. I couldn’t understand why I was the only 20 year old I knew who had never had a boyfriend. I had lost 10kg that year and had a few more flirtations than I was used to but, as always, it had led to nothing. And it didn’t help that I was hopelessly in love with an amazing man who could never love me back. My confidant had told me that I should just wait and was actually lucky that I hadn’t been in a relationship that had ended badly. I hadn’t been hurt and scarred by someone. And he encouraged me to consider becoming a nun.
Even though I have not been in a real relationship, I have still been hurt by men. The shitty father figures, the men who had started courting but then refused to deliver on their promises and the men who straight out just used me. And I think it has to be noted that the rejection or even lack of attention is also hurtful and scarring. You wonder why you were not good enough for a second look or why he just never got around to asking you on that date.
So, sometimes I really do f*#king hate men. I’m sick of feeling inadequate; because, despite telling myself that I am good enough, every rejection tells me that I am not worthy enough for another man. Every ignored messages makes me frustrated. Every dismissal chips away a bit more of my self esteem.
If I didn’t want to fall in love, get married and live happily until the first fight, then I would really consider becoming a nun. To be honest, it’s looking like a good option right now.