Sometimes I find myself conflicted about the prospect of dating. On the one hand, by dating someone I might be happy. He could be the right person for me and we may start a family together and live happily ever after.
But on the other hand, I am scared and worried that things will go wrong. I am scared that I will end up like my mother, literally abused and taken advantage of in every relationship. I mean, that’s all I know relationships to be.
I am worried that I will give my heart to the wrong man, someone who doesn’t respect me or even care enough to respond to my messages. I am worried that I will have put so much time and energy into a relationship that is one sided. I fear that I will be the only one to get hurt when things inevitably go bad.
And so I look for early signs that suggest hurt is on the way. Like when he can’t be bothered to message me back or say good bye when he has to go. I look for an increase in distance between us. And, of course, I keep an eye out for diminishing quality of our conversations. Because someone who cared for me would ask me how my day was and not simply concentrate on conversations related to carnal satisfaction.
I honestly believe that no one wants to get hurt. However, sometimes relationships take a little while to finally fail. And we hurt each other a little more as every day passes. So that is why I conflicted. Because a relationship is beautiful when things go right, but is devastating and detrimental when it goes wrong. And I don’t know if I will be able to handle it when things go wrong.