I feel like there should be a standard disclaimer on all my posts- “We all know that I’ve been unlucky in love and that I’ve never been in a real relationship.”
Well, that statement is again true today and I think that my lack of experience does me an injustice. I may have mentioned once or twice that I have been talking to a guy on the Internet. He was articulate, liked cats and was sweet (although I never told him that he was sweet because I’m told that guys don’t want to hear this).
Distance was a big barrier to our relationship and I think we would have met a month ago if he had not been travelling. Soon our conversations turned from general life to sexy content. Very sexy content. Sex, to be precise. But even that began to drop off. I found myself really trying to maintain the flow of conversation by sending multiple messages over a number of days before he would reply. Sure, he was probably very busy on his travels and didn’t always have access to the Internet. But Facebook tells you when people have been active and when they view messages, so I know that my messages were purposely unanswered.
Maybe I was making myself a little too available. But I don’t believe in playing games with communication, especially since it is well documented that men and women communicate differently. However, I do believe in my insecurities . In fact, they rule over me and I always hide in their familiar yet hostile arms when I am scared or disappointed.
I knew he wasn’t interested in me. Why would he be? I’m over weight and he is a good looking, fit guy. He could have any woman, so why would he put up with someone who looks the way I do? Am I too clingy? And I know that I am boring. I don’t go out and party and I have the hobbies of an 80 year old woman.
And there must be another woman. There is always another woman. Why else would he be on Facebook so often and not acknowledge me? I could never hope to compare to the other woman. I am just not good enough.
And so I withdraw the bit of my heart that I had exposed. I’ve got to build the walls higher because obviously they weren’t sufficient this time. Someone else got through and hurt me, someone whom I was never good enough for.
Maybe he really was just busy. Maybe I overreacted. I don’t know. I don’t have the experience to tell me otherwise. But I think it is time to be frugal with whom I give my heart to.