It was the first winter of the coloured jean and I was in university. An older guy was one of the few people to join our cohort in second year. He looked to be in his late twenties/early thirties. He soon made a number of friends and the five of them would sit on the other end of my row (fourth from the front, on the right if you were wondering), so I saw him come into the lecture theatre every lecture. I don’t know why he caught my eye, but he did.
Soon enough, I found myself looking out for him each lecture. I looked over as he walked in and I was sure that he made eye contact as he climbed the stairs. His favourite colour appeared to be green as he often wore green t-shirts or shorts. He was smart and muscular and I found him physically attractive.
But I never spoke to him.
Instead, I found myself subconsciously trying to please him. I started to buy green clothes when I had previously disliked the colour. I sat at tables near him during practical sessions or chose the line that he was in when queuing. I realised that I was trying to please this guy when I came home with a pair of bright green jeans one day. As I took them out of the bag I thought, “He likes green, maybe he will notice me wearing these.”
I realised that I was actively trying to please a guy that I saw briefly in lectures. We had never spoken and I knew nothing about him. Sharing an appreciation for the colour green was no good reason to start a conversation (or relationship). And I didn’t even like green. I had not even questioned my intentions for changing myself and it concerned me. I should only change myself to better myself, not to gain a second glance from a random classmate.
I do try to remember this when I like other guys.