On my own | When you try to be independent

The other night I came home to find one of my fears sitting against the front door- a cane toad. I know it is crazy, but I am absolutely petrified of toads and I really struggle to get anywhere near them. I’m not going to lie, I stood around for 15 minutes trying to get the courage to slip through the door. I couldn’t. So I went and got some take away to give the toad a chance to move. But it didn’t. I would have slept in my car for the night if I didn’t have a kitten inside to feed. Eventually I came up with the idea to spray it with the hose and even that was daunting for me. But I did what I had to and conquered the toad. For now.

The whole time I was trying to get some courage to master my fear, I kept thinking that it would be so much easier if I had a boyfriend to call. It would be easier if I had a boyfriend to change the toilet light and the battery in the fire alarm. Or a boyfriend to show me how to check the oil in my car or the wiper fluid. It would be so much easier if I had someone to share the load, to do the few things that I don’t have experience with.

But I don’t.

I can cook, bake, clean, wash, make necklaces, knit, crochet, decorate fancy cakes and look after pets. I put together all my flat pack furniture and have always been responsible for moving house (with a little girl power assistance). I put myself through university. I did all of those thing. That is something that I should be proud of, an accomplishment on so many levels. But then I find something that I cannot do and all of my accomplishments and skills mean nothing.

But I am single and I have been for a long time. And I will be for the foreseeable future. I’m going to have to learn to do the things that I can’t. Or at least earn enough money to pay for someone else to do it. I cannot rely on the possibility that I may have someone to help me out with these things in the future. I have to rely on myself.

I HAVE to rely on myself and I will do. There is no other option. It just means that the guy I eventually end up with will have to offer me more than what I can offer myself. One day I will see that as a good thing.

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