I know that it is over, but with the impending New Year I was reflecting on the hell hole that 2016 turned into. A lot of good things happened- I got my dream job in the location that I wanted, I travelled overseas, I became independent and I made a lot of cakes.
One thing I noted is that a lot of my friends/associates got engaged to be married in 2016. I literally just counted from the 290 friends (don’t judge the number, I go for quality not quantity) I have on Facebook and 18 of them have become engaged this year. That is nearly 7% of my friends. That’s a lot of people and they are happily in love with each other.
But this is a blog about being single so of course I’m going to bring it back to me. I don’t think I have to say that every time there was a new engagement announced on Facebook I was very excited for my friend but it bought my singldom to the forefront of my mind. Every announcement was a reminder that I was alone and so far away from my own potential engagement. For the few seconds that it took to read the post I would get this sinking feeling in my stomach- will it ever be me?
After those few seconds I move onto the next post and I forget that ping of jealousy I had just experienced. I think it would be different if I had actually been invited to any of those weddings (if more than two had actually occurred this year). If I had been involved in the planning or celebration of a wedding I’m sure that I would have spent a lot more time moping about being single. I know, I can make anything about me.
On the other hand, I’ve had two acquaintances that have left long term relationships soon after becoming engaged. I watched one woman struggle publicly with her hurt on Facebook. I haven’t known her well since I was 15 but I just wanted to hug her and tell her that she is a wonderful person who did not deserve that hurt. And I was sure that the other woman’s relationship had been on the rocks for a long time because despite being together for 10 years they still needed to post about their ‘love’ on Facebook as if to validate their relationship. Also, this woman bullied me in high school and then deleted me before her relationship broke down so I can’t say that I felt that bad for her.
So when I found out about those break ups, I was glad that I was single. Being single also meant that I don’t have to worry about fights and break ups. It’s just me and my own disappointments to deal with, not the issues of a boyfriend. Small miracles.
I wonder if this conflict about wanting to finding love but also wanting to avoid hurt is the reason that I’m still single?