We all have a story about the one that got away. The one that we could really see things working out with but the timing wasn’t right. Well, I have two.
The first guy I forgave for not falling head over heels in love with me. It was a little bit awkward when he finally worked out that I held a rather large flame for him and then when I found out that it was definitely not reciprocated. He was perfect- non drinker, as anti-recreational drugs as I am and very faithful. In fact, he was probably the only time I’ve been in love. And I say ‘probably’ because I’m still not entirely sure that I was at the love stage.
Our friendship recovered from my blatant and, on reflection, shameful attempts for affection and we are now good pen pals. We keep each other up to date on important life changes but we’ve only spoken on the phone once in the last four years. However, if he asked me out tomorrow I would not hesitate to jump on the offer. I know that I shouldn’t, but I can’t help but measure every potential crush against his perfection.
The second guy was a bit more complicated. He was fiery and argumentative and I love it. He challenged everything I knew about myself, my beliefs and my convictions. I loved to debate all the various topics with him because it gave me a better understanding of myself. And I challenged him to step out of his comfort zone, to know about things he didn’t care for (like the female reproductive cycle). It was exhilarating. And damn it, we were good friends.
But, as is the story of my life, I was not his type. He wanted a skinny-mini, compliant and traditional girlfriend. I wanted the mental stimulation and will probably never fit his physical expectations. He left town without a goodbye and with my feelings still unresolved. Could it have been? I was always on an emotional rollercoaster with him (as my best friend could attest to) and I kicked myself every time I let myself fall for his charming, suave personality.
Again, if he asked me out tomorrow then I’d definitely say yes. And that is why I can’t know much about his life. Because every time I see him in a picture on facebook with another girl or a woman has tagged him in a post then my green eyed monster rears is ugly head. Every single time. And I think about what could have been if it was me he was still provoking. It’s been two years since I last saw him and I know that the day his announces his next relationship I will die a bit on the inside. That’s why I’ve unfollowed him on facebook because I know that it will break my heart.
And I am disappointed in myself that I have remained so emotionally attached to men that I have no chance with. My head knows that the ship has sailed but my heart wants to hold on. I can only hope that one day I will forget about them and not even realise that I have moved on.